Why You Shouldnt Want an Easy Relationship
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Shorter Version
Est. Reading Time: 2 Minutes
"I no longer believed in the idea of soul mates, or love at first sight. But I was beginning to believe that a few times in your life, if you were lucky, you might meet someone, who was exactly right for you. Not because he was perfect, or because you were, but because your combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two separate beings to hinge together."
~ Lisa Kleypas
So, are relationships supposed to be easy? Heck no!
Why not? Well, imagine this scenario…
You storm out of the room frustrated, angry, and highly (and I mean highly) upset. You and your partner have been arguing a lot more lately…about everything under the sun such as your job, not spending enough time together, parenting and household responsibilities, and even dirty dishes and strewn laundry!
What's worse is that you tried to discuss your concerns with your partner but to no avail. The result? A screaming match – a true battle amongst former comrades…cough…cough…partners for the label of "victor." Both of you used to be so close… Everything used to be so…easy. Not now.
Longer Version
Est. Reading Time: 5 minutes
Be honest
But, be honest with yourself – has your relationship ever been easy? I bet with a little self-reflection and self-analysis you'd probably say, "No…not really. It has had its ups-and-downs." The truth is, all relationships take work.
No relationship is easy…it's not supposed to be.
Does that mean you should just throw in the towel when the going gets rough? Absolutely not. You fight for what you believe in – what you love.
So, are relationships supposed to be easy?
Remember that saying, "The best things in life are the things you work for…?" It's true. How can you truly appreciate the "good times" if you never encounter adversity? You can't. So no, relationships are not supposed to be easy. They require an abundance of blood, sweat, and tears.
Cycle of fighting
But, you and your partner have been arguing so much lately and it's the same arguments over days, weeks, or months. It feels like you are barreling towards a very sad breakup and you don't know how to stop it. You never imagined that being in a relationship would be so hard. That's not how it is in the fairytales, sitcoms, and movies.
On the screen, relationships look so easy; you naturally believe it is the way a relationship should be. Relationships are supposed to be easy, right? But it's not. You talk to friends and loved ones about your predicament and they dish out that old sage advice, "Well, if you have to work that hard in your relationship, it may not be meant to be." And, "Love is not supposed to be hard. If you're unhappy, you should just cut ties and move on."
While their intentions are good, this may not be the best advice for your situation. Maybe you can "fix" your relationship with better communication, counseling, active listening, and a little extra effort. Maybe your relationship is salvageable with the right tools. Perhaps it's time to make some positive changes in your life and in your relationship.
Steps towards a healthy relationship
Understand that a healthy relationship is not supposed to make you depressed. And, if you have tried everything to turn your relationship around but it continues to degrade, it may be time to reevaluate if it can be saved (because unfortunately sometimes it can't). But, first, you must address the situation with your partner.
He or she needs to know what's going on – from your perspective.
And, you must listen to his or her response without interrupting or trying to defend yourself. Communication, love, trust, patience, commitment, and respect will help you get through troubled times in your relationship.
The truth is, a romantic relationship involves two imperfect and individual human beings.
Even though it would be amazing to have an easy relationship, it's just not reality. Relationships are supposed to help us grow as individuals and partners. They are also supposed to spark joy in our lives, but none of that can happen if we never experience challenges.
And, because we are human, we are bound to make mistakes and hurt and disappoint each other. We also have the tendency to be selfish and think of ourselves first. It doesn't matter if you are dating, committed, engaged, or married – no one is immune to relationship issues. So, although relationships can be beautiful, they can also be extremely challenging.
Rough waters
Guess what? Experiencing rough waters in your relationship isn't always a "bad thing." In fact, many times it signals that you are growing as individuals and as a couple. Being able to identify and address relationship issues indicates you are invested in your relationship and willing to ask questions and do what it takes to make it work.
Your relationship doesn't have to be perfect and easy to be happy and healthy. The only things needed to have a successful relationship are love, regular communication, respect, patience, and a commitment to stick it out through thick-and-thin. It also requires compromise or "coming together" moments. It is a decision to work together to create a real-life fairytale of your own making.
Steps forward
Now what? Well, if you have decided to stay committed, even if it's hard, your next step should be to connect with your partner every day. Perhaps, get up a little early to eat breakfast together or wait until both of you are home to eat dinner together. Maybe, devote an hour or so to spending quality time together, sans smartphones and tablets. Watch a sitcom or movie together, go for a walk around the neighborhood, turn off the television and play board games or just talk and cuddle with wine or your favorite adult beverages.
Communicate. Talk. Connect.
Talk about your goals, dreams, fears, plans, etc. Discuss your childhood and past experiences. Get to know each other better on a deeper level. Address issues even if it's hard. Then, make a plan to work on those issues. Look within and make changes in your life, behavior, and/or attitude.
It won't always be easy. But, it's always necessary if you want a healthy, long-lasting relationship. You may have to apologize (and forgive) each other many times… But, that's okay. Because relationships aren't supposed to be easy. There is beauty in working through issues with your partner, especially when you can do this without criticizing, blaming, degrading, wounding, or disrespecting each other.
So, don't listen to the naysayers who suggest "throwing in the towel" because your relationship isn't easy. Although their hearts may be in the right place, that may not be the right solution for you and your relationship. Remember, relationships are meant to challenge us to be better people and partners.
Actionable Steps
1
You feel better when you're with your partner
If you feel better – happier – and more at peace when you're with your partner, you most likely have a healthy relationship. Your partner protects and supports you so you don't feel alone in this big scary world.
2
Your chemistry is insane
Is your chemistry off the charts? If so, you may have the relationship you've always wanted. Chemistry, especially the sexual kind, is important in a relationship. You can't connect or bond if there is little-to-no chemistry.
If you don't want to be intimate (in any way) with your partner, your relationship is unhealthy. Remember, relationships are not supposed to be easy but if you are trying to physically connect with your partner, but simply can't for some reason, that's a problem that needs addressing.
3
You fight fairly
Do you fight fairly with your partner? If so, you are probably in a healthy relationship. Every successful relationship experiences challenges. It's normal and healthy to disagree from time to time, but it's all in how you respond to those challenges that makes all the difference.
If you can learn to fight fairly (i.e. not blaming, insulting, disrespecting, yelling at, or shutting down your partner), you can emerge from the storm stronger than ever. Healthy couples can address issues in respectful and effective ways. They talk about issues and make plans to work on them and they do not demean each other because that's not the way you fight fairly.
4
You communicate in a healthy way
Healthy communication provides the foundation for flourishing relationships. Healthy communication involves making time to talk and actively listening to each other. It also involves being respectful, and open, and honest with each other. However, it doesn't mean yelling, roasting, embarrassing, or bossing each other around. If you lack healthy communication with your partner, it may be time to see a counselor.
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About the Author
Dr. R. Y. Langham
Ph.D. in Family Psychology
Ree has a Master's in Marriage and Family Therapy (M.M.F.T.) and a Ph.D. in Family Psychology. She spent over ten years counseling families, couples, individuals, and children on adjustment issues such as blended families, same-sex couples, dysfunctional family relationships, relationship issues, etc. Now she writes for famous health organizations and is a published author.
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